Monday, 2 March 2009

How To Fail... and Still Win!


I asked for your biggest 2 questions to do with motivation, success or goal setting and I certainly got a bunch. Not just here but through private messages and emails.

Honestly, I'm stunned at the amount of questions I received here...

Anyway, let's get down to it shall we?

I'm going to try and answer 1-2 questions a day so bear with me whilst I work through them all ok?

The first questions are from Marilyn...

"Hi, Dax:

1. How do I stay focused on my goals if I end up keeping some of them a secret because of a significant other who is very negative and ridiculing? I think I know the answer but I guess I needed a second opinion, Doc. :-)

2. I too have had a Dickensian childhood and was able to overcome a lot of it using only my own inner strength with no support (long story). Having said that, how do I keep from beating myself up when I make a mistake towards one of my steps for a goal or even just keep my get-there-now-itis under control? I know I have the strength and control but sometimes I get a little bit of a war going on - like 1 side is hang in there your almost there, the other - you're too this - too that - not practical - that sort of nonsense.

Thanks a lot Dax for any suggestions."

My Answers

Well Marilyn, as for question 1 and staying focused in the face of ridicule I think you have to do several things.

First, remind yourself that this is about YOU. Not your kids, your husband, your work colleagues or anyone else. You.

You see, you can't do things for other people. You can't do things because of other people and you certainly can't NOT do things because of other people. Not if you hope to be happy anyway.

Abraham Lincoln once said 'you cannot help the poor by becoming one yourself' and I agree. And this goes for much more than money. If you have no belief in yourself, you can't help others to believe. if you have no joy in your life, you cannot help others to find joy in their.

You simply cannot give what you yourself do not have in abundance.

Where am I going with this?


Your job is not to 'win over' or gain the support of your partner. It's nice when that happens but one shouldn't rely on it. Your job is to begin, small at first, then in larger and larger amount, to gain an abundant store of successes in your life. Likewise joy. Likewise happiness. Likewise love.

Find these things wherever you can and build YOUR life to be the shape that YOU want it to be.

Let no-one stop you.

No one.

If sharing your dreams brings you ridicule then don't share them with those that would ridicule you. Share them with like-minded people only. You can find them forums and communities like and others. Find that small spark of your dreams and kindle a small flame from them, then help it grow by sharing them with those who are also pursuing theirs.

In short, get strong. Create a store of your successes. Don't stop.

The truth is, not all people share your dreams. They have their own. It's a shame though when some people, especially those who claim to love and care for us, feel the need to trample on ours.

It hurts. That's natural. We're human.

But still, don't stop.

Never stop.

Your dreams are the reason you're here : )

As for your second question, you WILL make mistakes.

Knowing this should free you.

See, if you KNOW you're going to make mistakes, you can stop worrying about 'whether', 'if' and 'when' and simply pursue you goals and dreams anyway, 'safe' in the knowledge that at some time in the future, you WILL screw up.

Now, isn't that a weight off your mind : )

Instead of looking at mistakes as 'screw ups' or failures, and feeling negative about them, ask yourself "Did I fail forward?"

By this, I mean, ask yourself "Even though I failed in relation to the target I set, am I closer to my goal now than I was before I started out on this goal?" If the answer is yes, then you should seek as many opportunities to fail as possible, take more action, take more 'risks' for every 'trip', every stumble, every fall is bringing you ever closer to your ultimate goal.

It's a lot faster than playing it safe and NOT setting out at all for fear of failure, right?

I always tell people that ask me (and I mean it) that I'm the biggest failure I know.

And I don't feel negative about it. In fact, I feel positive!

You see, I've failed more things than anyone else I've ever met personally, but only because I attempt more things than anyone else I've ever met personally : )

Yet, with each failure, I learn more, my abilities grow, my confidence grows and I add to my skills and knowledge. In short, I fail forward.

Stop fearing failure Marilyn (and everyone) and simply pursue what you want in the knowledge that, at some point, you'll fall flat on your face.

At that point, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over.

Truth, joy and love

Dax Moy
From Serial Goal SETTING To Serious goal GETTING!


Marylin said...

Thank you Dax! Your suggestions really hit spot on. I am very grateful for them. I do feel like a weight has been lifted. THANK YOU, THANK YOU and THANK YOU. You're an angel!

Lucie said...

Thank you. Very inspirational.

And thank you for asking Marylin ...

misscmac said...

Thank you so much, Dax! I am going through the same thing as Marylin's question #1 - my fiance is very negative about my business venture and we are getting married next month and this helps me to see that this is MY dream, NOT his! I have to do this for ME, and to bless US in the future! Thank you so much!!

Jaya said...

Carpe a world where all all things are not equal, it is about finding balance in an effort to stay whole and happy..You can compromise but for only so long before it catches up with you, so in my experience, it is always good to listen to our inner voices, especially as women and at every turn, decentre authority and build self-authority. It is when I have the fire in my belly and I really want and am ready to pay the price and get what I want that I am in bliss.. I like falling forwards very much Dax...:)

Claudia said...

Love it! Great questions and fabulous response. It's hard for me to believe that you've failed - but I know you don't lie.


Claudia from The Fey